You may have heard the old phrase, “Nothing is certain except death and taxes.” This quote resonated with me as I with thinking about this post, mostly for its incompleteness, especially in the context of my work. Being a therapist, one thing I witness day in and day out is the inevitability of pain. If I were to ask you to name one person who has never experienced some form of pain – emotionally, psychologically, physically – you’d struggle to do so. Pain, too, is a certainty. What often goes hand-in-hand with pain, is suffering. And I ask myself, is suffering unavoidable too? That part is up to us.
This idea is captured in the Buddhist concept of the first and second darts, and is also key in Dialectical Behavior Therapy. The first dart is thrown at us and represents the inescapable pains of life—grief, loneliness, fear, rejection, and failure, just to name a few. These experiences, while difficult, are often signals from our minds and bodies, alerting us to something that needs our attention. As such, pain serves a useful purpose.
The second dart, however, we throw at ourselves. It’s our reaction to the pain, our judgment of it, our resistance to it. It’s the inner dialogue that tells us we’re weak for feeling hurt, that we’ll never recover, that it shouldn’t have happened in the first place, that life is unfair. It’s the suffering we pile onto the pain, making it heavier, sharper, and more unbearable. The process of suffering serves a much less productive role – it convinces us that we don’t have control.
We do.
This is where we land squarely in the realm of controlling what we can control. It’s a phrase you may have heard before—perhaps in therapy, in sports, or from a wise but slightly annoying friend who always seems just a little too Zen about life. Let’s take a deeper look.
What Does It Mean to Control What We Can Control?
At its core, this concept is about distinguishing between what is within our power and what is not. We can’t control external events, other people’s actions, or the inevitability of pain. We can, however, control how we respond to those things.
What we can control:
- Our thoughts and interpretations
- Our emotional reactions
- Our choices and behaviors
- Our boundaries
- Our ability to seek support and help
What we cannot control:
- The past
- Other people’s feelings, choices, or opinions
- Random life events (looking at you, global pandemics and flat tires)
- The first dart (i.e. pain itself)
When we focus on what is within our control, we shift from a mindset of helplessness to one of empowerment. We stop wasting energy resisting reality and start directing that energy toward things that actually improve our well-being.
Applying This in Therapy (and Life)
In therapy, much of the work revolves around helping people separate the first dart from the second. If a client comes in heartbroken over a breakup, the pain of loss is real and valid—that’s the first dart. But if they then spend weeks beating themselves up with thoughts like “I’ll never find love again,” or “I must not be good enough,” they’re adding unnecessary suffering—the second dart.
A big part of healing is learning to sit with the pain of the first dart without throwing the second one. This is where strategies like mindfulness, cognitive restructuring, and emotional regulation come into play.
1. Mindfulness: Noticing the Dart Before You Throw It
Mindfulness helps us pause and recognize when we’re escalating our own suffering. If we can acknowledge pain without judgment, we prevent the second dart from landing. Instead of thinking, “I shouldn’t feel this way,” we practice, “I feel this way, and that’s okay.”
2. Cognitive Restructuring: Changing the Story We Tell Ourselves
A large part of therapy involves challenging the narratives that amplify suffering. If someone loses their job, the first dart is the pain of uncertainty and financial stress. The second dart might be thoughts like, “I’m a failure,” or “I’ll never get another opportunity.” By restructuring these thoughts, we move from self-judgment to self-compassion: “This is tough, but I have faced challenges before and overcome them.”
3. Acceptance and Commitment: Dropping the Rope in the Tug-of-War
When we accept that pain is part of life, we stop resisting it and start working with it. Instead of getting stuck in why did this happen to me?, we shift to what can I do with this experience?
The Takeaway: You’re in the Driver’s Seat
Pain is an inevitable part of life, but suffering is (to a large extent) optional. The next time you find yourself struggling, ask: Am I dealing with a first dart or a second dart? If it’s the first dart, acknowledge the pain and tend to it with care. If it’s the second, recognize that you don’t have to keep throwing it.
Nothing is certain except death, taxes, and pain—but suffering? That part’s up to you.
To learn more about how therapy at Wildflower Center for Emotional Health can help you live your life with more joy and presence, complete our online inquiry form or give us a call at 312.809.0298. We look forward to hearing from you!
