Being overwhelmed is something that everyone has experienced. When we are in this overwhelmed state, we are not able to be our best selves, and it sometimes feels like we have lost control of our emotions and our actions. This experience can feel like we are “seeing red” or like it saps us of all energy and we feel like we are shutting down. This is our body entering a state of diffuse physiological arousal, frequently called emotional flooding.
What is Emotional Flooding?
Emotional flooding is the body’s physiological response to danger or extreme stress, which causes us to enter our “fight, flight, freeze, or fawn” response. During this time, a lot of our higher-level cognitive functioning disengages, and our body and mind focus solely on survival. Courtney Collins wrote an excellent article (which you can find here) delving deeper into the neuroscience behind emotional flooding and what you can do as an individual to address this biological response to danger. In this article, I am instead going to talk about how you can handle when this occurs within your romantic relationship; when you, your partner(s), or all of you are experiencing this emotional flooding.
Flooding in Relationships
Flooding in relationships is often marked by physiological responses like increased heart rate, shallow breathing, and an urge to either fight back or shut down.
- Fighting Back: This is the escalation of a conflict and that is when really intense, painful fights occur. This can look like raised voices, saying things we regret or do not even believe, just to hurt each other. When we are flooded, our ability to be empathic and understanding – or to even care about the other person – is incredibly limited. Everyone is categorized into “enemies” or “allies,” and your partner, the source of this flooding, will always be seen as an enemy during this point.
- Shutting Down: This is when it feels like one or multiple partners are stonewalling. This is when we can feel ourselves retreating, doing anything we can think of to try and end the conversation. The hallmark of stonewalling is that it feels like you are talking to a wall, that nothing is getting accomplished. Commonly the person flooded will respond with one-word answers or try to placate the other person, saying things like “uh-huh,” “sure,” or “whatever you want.” This is our body responding to perceived danger; trying to get us out of the situation by any means possible.
Why Does Flooding Impact Communication?
When flooded, it’s difficult to think clearly, listen attentively, or respond calmly – all of which are key to healthy communication. During this time we lose our sense of humor, memory is impacted, and we have a hard time effectively problem-solving. Remember, flooding is a physiological response, not just an emotional one. This cannot be solved by just taking a few deep breaths. Instead, our bodies are actually designed to escalate very quickly and deescalate very slowly.
Think about a time when something scary happened, such as when you were driving and almost got hit by another car. Your body immediately entered survival mode, and once that car that almost hit you went away, your body was still heightened. You were on hyper-alert probably for the rest of the drive, and maybe even after you got to your location, until you had a lot of space between you and the danger. The same is true in conflict with our partner. Once we become flooded, we view our partner as the source, and it is incredibly hard (if not impossible) to calm down when we are still trying to engage with them. So the question is: how do we deal with emotional flooding?
Step 1: Pause and Take a Break
When emotions run high, continuing the discussion is often counterproductive. It just leads to further escalation or frustration, rather than leading to an effective resolution. Instead:
- Call for a timeout. Agree on a neutral phrase like, “I need a break” or “I’m flooded, can we take a break?” You can even agree on a codeword to use that signals it is time to stop the conversation.
- Make sure the break lasts at least 20 minutes but no more than 24 hours. You want to give your body enough time to physiologically cool down, while also making sure that we do not avoid the conflict entirely. Taking a break does not mean the conflict is over; it is just paused until you both are in a state where you can be a team again.
- Separate physically during this time. Ideally, go to separate locations in a space where you cannot see your partner.
Step 2: Self-Soothing Techniques
Use the break to lower your stress levels and return to a calmer state:
- Practice square breathing: inhale for a count of four, hold for four, and exhale for four, then repeat.
- Practice mindfulness-based coping strategies (you can find some examples here).
- Engage in a relaxing activity, such as taking a walk, listening to music, or reading a book.
- Practice grounding techniques (you can find some examples here).
This is not the time to think about the conflict or to plan for the conversation later. If you do that, you will remain flooded for longer and may ruminate, rather than giving your body the chance to calm down.
Step 3: Reconnect with Intention
Once you’ve both calmed down, revisit the discussion:
- Whoever asked for the break is the one to reconvene the conversation. This allows each partner to know who is responsible, rather than waiting for the other person to start the dialogue, which could lead to confusion and further frustration with each other.
- Use gentle start-ups. Begin the conversation with “I” statements and express your feelings without blame. Talk about the impact of what your partner said or did, rather than what you think their intentions were.
- Talk about specific behaviors or things you heard, rather than generalizing. For example, say “I felt hurt when…” instead of “You always…”
- Listen actively. Reflect back what you’ve heard to ensure you understand your partner’s perspective.
- Take accountability for what your role was in the conflict and validate your partner’s experiences.
- Focus on finding solutions rather than assigning blame.
Seeking Additional Support
If you find yourself wanting more information, or find that these strategies are insufficient, there are many opportunities for added support. Couples therapy is one powerful option. If you are unsure if you would benefit from couples therapy, read this article about when is the right time to start couples counseling. If couples therapy feels a little daunting, you can also start with one of Wildflower’s couples workshops (or checking out the recorded version here).
Conflict can be incredibly difficult to manage, and flooding is a natural part of any relationship. How you handle it can make all the difference. By applying these tools for self-soothing, intentional communication, and repair, you can transform moments of overwhelm into opportunities for growth and connection. Remember, it’s not about avoiding conflict—it’s about navigating it together as a team.
