Sex after sexual trauma can bring up a whole host of emotions. To be clear, some survivors of sexual violence don’t experience changes in their relationship with sex, while many others do. All reactions to trauma are valid–your mind and body are responding to protect you from experiencing further harm. This article is for those whose relationship with sex after sexual violence has changed, as well as for their loved ones.
There is no cookie-cutter approach to healing sex after sexual trauma. However, there are themes in the sexual experiences of survivors of sexual trauma that I and other mental health professionals have noticed. I would like to speak to these themes, as well as give you ideas and tools to consider as you heal your relationship with sex.
Our Minds
Often, survivors of sexual violence enter my office feeling shame, confused as to why they didn’t fight back–sometimes to the point of believing that maybe they actually enjoyed it. Let’s demystify what happens in our bodies when we experience trauma.
First, our brain: when faced with a life-threatening threat, our brain behaves differently. Our prefrontal cortex shuts down. This is the part of the brain responsible for decision-making, and is the last part of our brain to develop, not fully maturing until around age 25. The shutting-down of the prefrontal cortex during trauma means that we can’t make decisions the way we would when we feel safe. When looking back at how we behaved during a traumatic experience, we might not understand why we responded the way that we did, and this is a big reason as to why. We quite literally couldn’t. Our limbic system also gets disrupted, which is responsible for managing our mood, hunger cues, and sexual arousal, as well as processing and storing emotions. The limbic system is also in charge of the fight, flight, freeze, and fawn responses.
Our Bodies
You may be familiar with fight and flight, but often folks are less familiar with freeze and fawn. Freeze is best illustrated by thinking about animals: imagine an antelope being chased by a lion as it freezes and plays dead to avoid being eaten. Humans do this, too, particularly when we aren’t able to escape danger (aka, fight and flight aren’t an option). The fawn response involves acquiescing to the demands and desires of those around you to avoid conflict. In the moment we don’t have a choice over which of these trauma responses we enact.
Survivors of sexual trauma may also recall signs of sexual arousal, and maybe even orgasm, during the violence itself. This is normal. In her book Come As You Are, Emily Nagoski discusses arousal nonconcordance, which is when our level of emotional sexual arousal doesn’t align with our physical response. This can look like emotionally feeling very aroused and not being wet or erect, but this also can look like being wet or erect, or experiencing orgasm, despite feeling terrified and threatened. As Nagoski (2014) writes:
Genital response isn’t ‘desire’ — desire is when you’re actively motivated to move toward something… Genital response isn’t even ‘pleasure’ — pleasure is a perception of a sensation, and that perception is context dependent. If someone tickles you when you’re feeling flirty, that can be fun; if that same someone tickles you when you’re annoyed… not fun. Ditto genital response. Genital response is about ‘sexual relevance’.
This sexual relevance being: is what’s happening related to sex? If so, your body has likely been conditioned to have an arousal response. That doesn’t mean you want, enjoy, or consent to it.
Healing Sex
After sexual trauma, your body may continue to believe you’re still in danger. You may become hypervigilant, constantly surveilling your surroundings, finding it difficult to be present and relax. You might experience a drop in libido, or difficulty sustaining an erection. These are signs that your mind and body are trying to protect you.
So, how do you move from these protective coping mechanisms to healing your relationship with sex? Below, I’ve included some ideas:
Mindfulness
According to Jon Kabat-Zinn, mindfulness is “Paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally” (1994). If your mind is elsewhere–thinking about the to-do list, judging yourself during a sexual encounter, thinking about your trauma–it’s going to be difficult to experience pleasure. Building up your ability to be present, noticing what’s happening inside and around you without judgment, and bringing your mind back kindly, gently, nonjudgmentally when they start to wander, can go a long way in building up your capacity to experience pleasure in your body. In fact, there is a lot of data pointing towards the utility of mindfulness in improving one’s sex life.
Solo Exploration
Engaging in solo exploration can help you build your capacity to be present in your body, as well as better understand what you do and don’t like. This can look like:
- Pay attention to how clothes feel against your skin: Do you like how they feel? How does your body respond to the texture, temperature, and pressure of the fabric?
- Notice what scents you like: How do you know you like it? How does your body respond? What thoughts go through your mind?
- Experiment with movement: Pay attention to your emotions and physical sensations as you move about your day. Go out of your way to experiment with new movements, whether that be dance, walking more quickly or slowly, stretching, or something else.
- Touch exercises: Go at your own pace and touch your body–anywhere–paying attention to temperature, texture, and pressure. If your mind starts to wander, just kindly bring your attention back to noticing the temperature, texture, and pressure of the sensations of your body.
- Mindful masturbation: While masturbating, direct your attention to the sensations of masturbating. Notice the texture, temperature, and pressure. Explore different parts of your body. How does your body respond? Notice without judgment–it’s not good, it’s not bad, it just is. And participate without a particular goal in mind–you’re not trying to orgasm, you’re just in it to notice what’s happening.
Partnered Experiences
Given that sexual trauma is often interpersonal, having positive sexual experiences with others can be incredibly healing. Part of what can be so hard about partnered sexual experiences after sexual trauma is difficulty trusting partner(s) enough to let go of control, which can get in the way of experiencing pleasure. Here are some ways to help you build trust and move towards letting go of control:
- Communicate: share what you like and don’t like, your triggers, and your boundaries. Plan out your aftercare, or how you want to come together (or separate) after a sexual experience. Discuss what you and your partner(s) can do if you’re triggered during a sexual experience.
- Hand riding: place your hand on top of your partner(s)’s and nonverbally guide their touch. This allows you to feel a sense of control over how you’re touched, which may help your nervous system start to calm down, and also allows you to engage in sexual touch with your partner(s).
- Plan sex: taking a page from the kink community’s playbook, discussing the details of what will happen during a sexual encounter can help you feel a sense of control and calm your nervous system, as you know what to expect. This can get very granular: what you’ll wear, how you’ll touch each other, what toys and lubes you’ll use, etc.
Of course, the suggestions above are just a few of many and aren’t tailored to your unique lived experience. If you’re interested in learning more about what might be most helpful for you, specifically, you can learn more about sex therapy here and reach out to our intake department to schedule your initial consultation session.
References
Bandoim, L. (2023, September 14). The anatomy of the prefrontal cortex. Verywell Health. https://www.verywellhealth.com/prefrontal-cortex-5220699
Brotto, L. A. (2018). Better sex through mindfulness: How women can cultivate desire. https://greystonebooks.com/products/better-sex-through-mindfulness?_pos=1&_sid=ce09fcc8d&_ss=r
Cleveland C. (2024, April 6). Limbic system. Cleveland Clinic. https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/body/limbic-system
Kabat-Zinn, J. (1994). Wherever you go, there you are. https://openlibrary.org/books/OL1414635M/Wherever_you_go_there_you_are
Nagoski, E. (2014, June 16). Unwanted arousal: It happens. Medium. https://enagoski.medium.com/unwanted-arousal-it-happens-29679a156b92
Nagoski, E. (2015). Come as you are. Simon & Schuster.
Resnick, A. (2023, June 30). Why sexual aftercare is so important and how to practice it. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/why-sexual-aftercare-is-so-important-7506702
