Miscarriage can be an extremely emotional and even traumatic experience for someone who was expecting. I frequently hear from clients who have experienced miscarriages and often find that they feel unseen, unheard, or invalidated. Miscarriages are actually quite common—chances are you know someone, or know someone who knows someone, who has gone through one. This article aims to provide helpful information for those unfamiliar with miscarriage, offering guidance on how to provide appropriate and empathetic support to those who are grieving without causing further harm.
Top 3 Dos for Supporting Someone Through Miscarriage
Do: Educate Yourself
As Planned Parenthood defines it, a miscarriage is “when you lose a pregnancy before the 20th week of pregnancy” (Planned Parenthood, 2024). The medical term for miscarriage is “spontaneous abortion” (Planned Parenthood, 2024). Miscarriage is common; statistically, “10-20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage” and “8 out of 10 miscarriages happen in the first 20 weeks of pregnancy” (Planned Parenthood, 2024). For more information on miscarriage facts and statistics, websites like Planned Parenthood are valuable resources.
Do: Ask How the Person is Doing and Listen Non-Judgmentally
Although miscarriage is common, it’s often not discussed openly or compassionately. Those who experience miscarriage can feel isolated and alone. While it might be difficult to fully understand their experience without going through it yourself, you can still offer a safe space for them to process their emotions with tenderness.
One of the best things you can say is: “I understand that this can be very hard. You are not alone, and I am here for you. I am so sorry you’re going through this. How are you feeling? Would it be helpful to talk about it? I’m here to listen” (Institute of Reproductive Grief Care, 2024). It’s important to remember that the emotions they share can be heavy. Ensure you are in a mental space to give them your full attention and presence.
As you listen, you might encounter a range of emotions: sadness, guilt, confusion, anger, frustration, or even relief and indifference. Make space for all these feelings. There is no “right” or “wrong” emotion regarding a miscarriage—it’s unique to each person. Limit your commentary unless asked for it. Instead, you might say, “You’re allowed to feel whatever you need to feel about this situation” or “It’s understandable that you’re feeling a lot right now.”
An important affirmation is: “This is not your fault and you didn’t do anything wrong” (Institute of Reproductive Grief Care, 2024). Many people experiencing miscarriage struggle with guilt, believing they caused it. It’s crucial to emphasize that “while it can be difficult to know exactly why a miscarriage happened, it is almost never caused by something the pregnant person did” (Planned Parenthood, 2024). Research shows that “feeling stressed, having sex, exercising, and taking most medicines do NOT cause a miscarriage. Minor injuries, like falling, don’t generally cause a miscarriage either” (Planned Parenthood, 2024). Most causes of miscarriage are biological and outside the person’s control. Even with this affirmation, grieving individuals may still struggle with accepting the miscarriage wasn’t their fault. Reinforce this message as much as possible.
Do: Provide Support while Respecting the Person’s Boundaries
Providing emotional support can be taxing, even if the person is a close friend or loved one. There are various ways to offer support that can be just as impactful.
If you can’t always provide a listening ear, ask: “In what other ways can I support you?” If they give suggestions or requests, honor and follow through on what you can. If they’re unsure, offer suggestions like:
- “Would you like to do a self-care activity? My treat!”
- “Can I run any errands or do any tasks for you?”
- “Can I make you food or order something for you?”
- “Would you like to do a memorial or something to remember? I’m happy to be there” (Institute of Reproductive Grief Care, 2024).
If the person accepts your offer, provide a timeline for follow-through. If they don’t know how they want to be supported or can’t decide right away, that’s okay. Sometimes the request for support can be overwhelming. Allow them space to think about their needs and remain open to helping if they reach out. Also, respect their wishes if they ask you not to do something, even if you believe it would be helpful. Follow their lead and let them control their needs and decisions.
The next section outlines common mistakes people make when interacting with someone who has experienced a miscarriage. Even with good intentions, these actions often cause additional harm and emotional pain to the grieving person. If you have made these remarks or engaged in these behaviors in the past, try not to be too hard on yourself if you were unaware or did not know better. However, it’s important to educate yourself, adjust your approach, and strive to provide more appropriate support.
Top 3 Don’ts for Supporting Someone Through Miscarriage
Don’t: Ask Intrusive Questions
Miscarriages are often difficult to process and may lack a clear explanation. If someone is expressing confusion and sadness (e.g., “Why did this happen to me?”), avoid intrusive or accusatory questions that can worsen their feelings. Avoid asking questions like: “Do you think you did anything to make it happen?” or “You weren’t doing anything too stressful, were you?” (Institute of Reproductive Grief Care, 2024). Remember, the miscarriage is not their fault. Instead, reassure them that it’s okay to be sad, hurt, and confused, and focus on validating their emotions.
Keep your curiosity in check when someone reveals they’ve had a miscarriage. Avoid questions such as: “What was it like?” or “Did you see the embryo/fetus?” It’s not their responsibility to explain their experience. Such questions can be re-traumatizing and emotionally painful. Your role is to center their emotions and needs, not your questions. If they choose to describe their experience unprompted or express a desire to talk about it, listen empathetically and non-judgmentally.
Don’t: Make False Promises
Witnessing and holding someone’s grief and loss can be challenging. While it’s natural to want to offer comfort and hope, making false promises can be invalidating and unhelpful. Avoid comments like: “You can always try again. It’ll happen next time,” or “It happens all the time. Maybe this one just wasn’t meant to be” (Institute of Reproductive Grief Care, 2024). Instead, focus on validating their grief and sadness. Allow them space to grieve and feel their emotions. If they seek words of hope or reassurance, or make such comments themselves, it’s okay to respond, but ensure your comments are not unsolicited or aimed at making yourself feel better.
Don’t: Make Comments Without Reflecting on Your Choice of Words
The phrase “If you want to say something to help, think about what you would want to hear yourself” can be useful, but it’s important to consider whether your comments will be supportive for that particular person.
For instance, if you’re religious, you might find comfort in the idea that a difficult event was “God’s plan” and that “it will all work out.” However, if the person who experienced a miscarriage is not religious, this sentiment might not be comforting (Institute of Reproductive Grief Care, 2024). Similarly, avoid comments meant to reassure yourself rather than the grieving person, such as “Everything will be okay” or “You’ll eventually get everything you want.” Focus on acknowledging their grief and pain. If you’re unsure what to say, a helpful statement is: “I’m sorry you’re going through this. Is there anything you’d like to hear right now that might help or comfort you? I’m here to support you.”
In summary, supporting someone through a miscarriage requires a thoughtful and compassionate approach. By educating yourself, actively listening, and respecting the person’s boundaries, you can provide meaningful support during a profoundly difficult time. Remember, the goal is to offer comfort and validation, rather than to fix or minimize their experience. Each person’s journey through grief is unique, and there is no one-size-fits-all solution. Your empathetic presence and willingness to learn can make a significant difference in how they navigate their grief. Thank you for taking the time to understand and support those who need it most.
References
“Miscarriage.” Planned Parenthood, 2024, https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/pregnancy/miscarriage.
“What to Say After Reproductive Loss.” Institute of Reproductive Grief Care, https://reproductivegrief.org/what-to-say-after-reproductive-loss/.
“What Not to Say After Pregnancy Loss.” Institute of Reproductive Grief Care, https://reproductivegrief.org/what-not-to-say-after-pregnancy-loss/?gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwwae1BhC_ARIsAK4Jfrw6Pft2RSMtO6sH7PsxIsclvx29fhg3tr5rolwKOxtJymTUWM7lwNQaAnnzEALw_wcB.
